Thursday, April 08, 2004

Gym showers


I only just realised that the two dispensers in the shower stalls, one marked "Moisturizing Shampoo" and the other "Shower Gel", dispense the same thing. (I swapped, using the gel to shampoo and the shampoo to shower, and like I suspected, no discernible difference). Because I pay only a measly $800 a year for membership, I have to share the gym with an assortment of users: Bodybuilders: Wear scraps of cloth that resemble tank-tops, and shorts that run up their (very tight) bum cracks, lift very, very heavy weights that they have to drop with a clang every now and then. They also spend the other bit of their gym time (something like 6 hours) chugging protein shakes which they spend a few hours shaking in their tumblers. Gay boys: Wear scraps of cloth that resemble tank-tops, and shorts that run up their (very tight) bum cracks, lift very, very heavy weights that they have to drop with a clang every now and then... Sweaty bastards who don't use towels: There's this one gayboybodybuilder who sweats profusely. He leaves puddles everywhere, and is probably under the mistaken impression that sweat is sexy, and therefore sweats more to be sexier. He doesn't realise that his quest is irreparably stymied by his very large nostrils, which flare even more on exertion. He also stinks to high heaven. Couples: There's this one couple that has been working out regularly since I joined the gym. They spend a lot of time handling each other. Very distracting. Also, the weights don't seem to be light enough for them. Skinny schoolboys: They do 100 bicep curls in an hour, then spend two hours flexing in front of the mirror. Fat schoolboys: Sent by their parents to be tortured by a $60 per hour personal trainer. Power Ang Moh Tai Tais (occupation: married to rich man): You know? The tanned and taut ones? They grunt and groan with every exertion just to show they're alive? Usually with a $60 per hour personal trainer. Someone should tell them (though I won't, 'cos I'm afraid of getting pummelled by Zena Warrior Tai Tai) that they don't have to try to grab attention. Hallo? You're Ang Moh OK? Sarong Party Girls: Tanned and taut ones in tight and skimpy outfits that appear painted on. Also grunt and groan with every exertion so they can attract pudgy Ang Moh men who only have to attend the gym without working out to attract the SPGs. The SPGs use the treadmill and various cardio machines a lot, even after attending six body combat classes in a row. Pudgy Ang Moh Men: See above. Frizzy haired (indigenous/local) tai tais: Not so tanned and not so taut ones who generally, and thankfully, don't wear tight and skimpy outfits. They're also often with their $60 per hour personal trainers, and appear tortured by these personal trainers too. Shy girls: The ones who use the closed off area for privacy, and are so shy they only run on the treadmill in there for five minutes, (literally) throw in the towel and go home. $60 per hour personal trainers: Them who personally train frizzy haired tai tais, power Ang Moh tai tais and fat schoolboys. These select few who earn $60 per hour have to undergo a stringent job interview process that includes: a) walking funny: make your arms look like they're on splints, always at a 45 degree angle to the body, and walk ONLY on the balls of your feet, NEVER the heels. b) can count up to 15 reps. c) (bonus) can count up to 15 reps in local vernacular for the frizzy haired tai tais and fat schoolboys (wan, too, tree, four, fai, sik, sewwen, ache, nai, ten, illewen, chelve, tertin, fotin, feeftin) AND in affected Ang Moh accent (yeah, yeah, there's a supurrmarrket on the base-murnt level yeah parse the escaladurr no, no not the sevurn ellevurn) for the power ang moh tai tais. The "I like standing naked by the locker talking loudly on my mobile" gym member: This species isn't so common, so perhaps that's why sightings are often startling. Last sighting was two days ago, of one who was dripping wet, sans towel and completely starkers, and talking very intensely on his mobile about ordering some ceramic tiles. He spoke for a very long time in that state (I went to the changeroom post workout, showered, changed, dried hair, and he was still at it).


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