Wednesday, April 27, 2005

A Holland Village epiphany


I've been spending more time than usual at Holland Village, and at one of my favourite coffee shops. The one that sells roast pork, chicken wings and pretty decent drinks. A few afternoons ago, I sat there nursing my second Tiger mug of iced coffee because I had been thirsty enough to order but not drink two. At 2.30 in the afternoon, Holland Village, as you know, is still pretty busy with slow moving cars and slower moving people. And it was such a blazing afternoon, people were moving even slower than usual. Even the Jack Russell terriers being taken down the street to the vet/petshop weren't as spritely as they ought to be. And as you know, Holland Village is always chock full of Ang Mohs of all nationalities. So much that the anti-terrorist barriers are still in operation between 7pm and 7am on some of the more popular Ang Moh streets, where Coffee Leaf and Tea Bean and the likes are located: "There will be no terrorist activity between 7pm and 7am on these streets because the terrorists are not allowed to vault over this flimsy metal gate between these hours", says a sign that doesn't exist. But ought to be there. So terrorists would know. Bombing is not allowed. There is a gate. It is locked. But anyway, that afternoon, at the coffeeshop with me were two Ang Moh men, sitting at separate tables, minding their own business, which wasn't much. The first man was seated facing the back of the second, and was mulling over his Tiger mug of Tiger, and the other, seated one table away from the first was poring over some book. Then it happened. The second man leaned to his left so that half his backside was off the plastic chair. And let out a god almighty audible fart. It was a toot long and loud enough above the traffic noise to startle himself and the people at the coffeeshop. There was a very pregnant pause as everyone, coffee stall owner, charsiew, roast pork stall owner and chicken wing man, all turned towards the direction of the sudden noise. The Ang Moh sitting behind the Tootler was already choking on his Tiger trying to stifle his giggles. Then everyone burst out laughing. The poor bugger-who-thought-this-big-one-would-be-a-silent-stinker sat frozen, probably not able to decide whether to acknowledge his audience, or get up and flee. Half the tiger in my tank Iced Coffee also comes in Heineken mugs Sorry. Reflex. Nothing to do with this post. Not bad though.
Surf stop: je suis libre
iTunes' party shuffle is playing a copy of: tmbs-050426 results may vary - mrbrown - the mrbrown show, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn't steal music.


26 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see you're still up. I guess you're pretty street smart in a sense.

4/27/2005 12:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Kevin said...

I miss holland village... I miss roast pork too... argh, I miss Singapore! :(

4/27/2005 02:03:00 AM  
Blogger jettykey said...

haha, this is funny!

So, the moral of the story is, "don't sit with your back facing another Ang Moh"?

4/27/2005 03:08:00 AM  
Blogger J Schnorng said...

Never underestimate the value of sphincter control.

regards,
J

4/27/2005 06:09:00 AM  
Blogger Indiana said...

When you gotta let one rip, you just have to let one rip...

4/27/2005 08:13:00 AM  
Blogger Anthony said...

Nice short flick. Where did you find it?

4/27/2005 10:23:00 AM  
Blogger PP said...

Hahaha... I wonder what I'd do if I were in his shoes.

4/27/2005 10:36:00 AM  
Blogger Li An said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/27/2005 12:23:00 PM  
Blogger Li An said...

The poor ang moh... if I were him I will try to laugh at myself! But damn malu siah...

4/27/2005 12:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Sugarrush said...

Hahaha.. so funny.. I thought your post was going to be something thoughtful.. haha..

then what did the ang moh finally do? Just sat there frozen???

4/27/2005 02:10:00 PM  
Blogger Ah 9 said...

Raw comedy tickles! haha

4/27/2005 05:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

gosh. that was soo climaxy~

4/27/2005 09:02:00 PM  
Blogger kachuaz said...

suay siao sia...

4/27/2005 10:58:00 PM  
Blogger aGent X said...

the malay word for this 'act' always make me laugh... "kentut" because it sounds so funny....

4/28/2005 12:03:00 AM  
Blogger alexis said...

hahahaha. omg i would love to be there to witness it. if i was the tooter i would have stood up and waved. heh.

4/28/2005 12:21:00 AM  
Blogger One Little Twit said...

I'm always at Holland V 2 to 3 times a week depending on the number of days i work. Even when i dont work, i feel a desire to go there in the afternoon and live a life of the total idyllic, newspaper in hand, kopi on the table.

4/28/2005 12:51:00 AM  
Anonymous Wrenna said...

You didn't join in the excitement and do a follow up?!! Power of farts!

4/28/2005 03:50:00 AM  
Blogger expat@large said...

At the risk of getting a reputation as Singapore's answer to a wet blanket, would that story have been less funny if you had said "guys" all the way through instead of "Ang Mohs"?

What if you had set the story in Greenwich Village, New York, and you said "negro" instead of ang moh?

An answer is suggested over at my blog.

E@L

4/28/2005 10:38:00 AM  
Blogger expat@large said...

Still, at least no-one tried to shoot him for attacking them with toxic gas!

E@L

4/28/2005 11:43:00 AM  
Blogger Mr Miyagi said...

I'm sorry if I've offended you, E@L. In my book however, the term 'Ang Moh' is not derogatory in the same sense as the term 'Negro'. I look at it as on par with 'Pom'. The fact that it is originally from the physical attributes of an 'Ang Moh' could possibly say otherwise, but nowsaday hor, any foreigner from any Western country is an 'Ang Moh'.

4/28/2005 05:02:00 PM  
Blogger expat@large said...

Offended! I'm devastated! Of course, I'm not that skin-skinned (or am I?) But some people might be, and that is why I raised the point.

In my imperfect example, a lot of people might say that "Negro" is not offensive. They would say just as you did, "in my book, Negro is not offensive." But what does the African-American (person of color, black man, Negro - what IS the right term these days?) who hypothetically farted think of that?

The point is not whether YOU think the term is offensive, it's whether the person you're talking about considers it offensive.

If they do, then you shouldn't use it, no matter what your opinion is - it's not your opinion that matters in such a case. That is the current way of thinking. The Politically Correct way, if you like.

And if I called someone a Pom, I would expect to get as good back, if not accompanied by a swinging fist if it was late in the night at a pub somewhere... (And especially so if it was in England!)

Just doing some consciousness raising, a la 70's.

I have a dream:

that the term ang moh will be a thing of history in 10 - 20 years...

call me crazy, call me obsessed, call me E@L (just call me, OK!)

4/28/2005 06:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, just wondering how old are you this year, and was you in the production of that video you posted, lol, kinda suit NTU lah, especially with that idiot talking about racial purity recently

4/28/2005 09:50:00 PM  
Blogger MercerMachine said...

As Benjamin Franklin once said, "Fart proudly!" But then he also wanted the US national symbol th be the wild turkey.

4/29/2005 04:56:00 PM  
Blogger expat@large said...

Mercer - Wild Turkey! I'll drink to that!

If I call an English person a Pommy bastard, I'd expect him to call me a JAFA or bloody Aussie bastard, or a colonial miscreant, or a wombat-f*cker, or just about anything, usually without a fight ensuing! We'd buy each other a beer and bemoan the demise of English cricket...

If a Singaporean good-naturedly called called a white person an Ang Moh to their face, what "non offensive" but gently ribbing term would they expect to receive in return?

E@L

4/29/2005 05:18:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Easy. Ah Beng.

4/29/2005 05:20:00 PM  
Anonymous superspygirl said...

or... miyagi-san.

4/29/2005 08:06:00 PM  

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